im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
