This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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