Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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