I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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