Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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