highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
