hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
