There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
