moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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