the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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