Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
