I wish I could teleport
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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