Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
