a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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