I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
