its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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