someone threw a dead crab at me
I just cut my nipple shaving
My cat gives me a boner
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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