i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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