sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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