just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
