no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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