people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
