morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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