oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
People in love make me want to vomit
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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