So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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