I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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