Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
