Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
