I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
