You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
