Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
