Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My hand turned me down
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
