turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
