Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
