Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
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