this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
