She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
