i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The uberlube is also flammable
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
