She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
