just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
