Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
