you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
