Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
