You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
