I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
