walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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