Banned from zoo.
Again?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
