Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
