Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
