so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
