apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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