dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
