for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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