Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
